Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Life of Moll Fangirl

Do not start the war with the stupid. They will drag you to their level and then defeat with experience. (unknown)

This short insight as the main aim takes one particular social group – fangirls. Scientists argued (and still do) many times whether distinguishing aforementioned group from the rest of society is valid or not, but one brilliant researcher pointed out that even sociopaths are being classified as separated group, so why not fangirls. This small research is written in his memory, because the group, he spent his entire life researching on, got him into their hands and now his relics are unable to be traced by Interpol. But probably are worshipped somewhere. Along with the part of his shoelace.

To better understand this mercury[1]-swift group, we must first understand its place in the animal kingdom, and its place in human society.
Although researchers did come across some males in the group, called “fanboys”, they do not take much responsibility in the group. It is even hard to check if they perform any procreation tasks. This led many to think that fangirls multiply by parthenogenesis. It is also possible for normal human being to transform into fangirl in an instant. The origin of such change remains unknown. It is probably due to some unidentified “fangirl inhibitor” or sudden shift in hormonal balance.

The typical representative of the group, in this paper called “fangirl”, belongs to:

Subspecies – Homo fanaticus (fangirls, kyaagirls, etc.) with two sub-groups: homo fanaticus fangirlus asiae and homo fanaticus fangirlus europae. Scientists tend to separate Homo fanaticus as the sub-branch of Homo, along with Neanderthals though. Unless this will be proven one day, science keeps the old taxonomy.
And now the most difficult part – to describe this group which cannot be easily put under observation like chimpanzees or asked questions like every test group of normal people. For now, scientists say this in unison – fangirls do belong in the human society, classified somewhere between psychopaths and sociopaths. Their average age is between 14 and 25, but it is not uncommon to see ablaze 10 years-olds along with 40-somethings. Their behavior is highly erratic and therefore impossible to predict. In the same time, scientists that spent their lives on attempt to do this, left the field and started to predict earthquakes or alien attack saying: “This is f*cking apple pie comparing to that hell!” (Ann Noyed, How to Dismantle a Fangirl, Sexford, 2010, page 69).
To understand a fangirl it is essential to know the object of her adoration, later in this research called OoA (Object of Affection). It may be: an actor (real life), singer (real life), anime character (celluloid), comic character (cellulose) or video game character (bunch of pixels). The biggest danger appears in two first classes of objects, because fangirl tends to blend reality with fiction as seen in MV or movie and it is hard to state if a fangirl worships an actor or his character from the set. The latter case is called OMG (Obsolete Mind Gone). The last classes (anime/comic/game) are incurably retarded.
It is also hard to interview a fangirl. She always sniffs some tricks luring her into a trap. Any question can be interpreted as blasphemy and retorted with violence. It is also typical for a fangirl to start her argument with either a question or a negation. It has completely nothing in common with the preceding statement. Example:
1. “For me, personally, I judge his last performance as a weak one. Plus, the outfit was idiotic.” (usual statement of a moderate dose of harshness, with a grain of personal opinion)
2. “Are you deaf???!! Or blid??!!1 It was the most perfect show!! And you just hate him! And he didn’t even KILL u!!” (usual response of an irritated fangirl, mental age around 13)

The life cycle of a fangirl:
0 – 2: fangirl is born and before she develops speaking skills it is very hard to predict whether the offspring is going to turn into fangirl or not. Scientists are working on incorporating Phillip K. Dick’s technology from Minority Report to see the future, but as for now, all efforts are in vain. The treacherous breed is treacherous. The only one trait that develops earlier is possessiveness. Young girl cries, screams and throws a tantrum if anyone touches her toy.
2 – 4: fangirl starts to talk and form sentences. This is very crucial part of her life, because at age 4, her behavior forms by looking up to grown ups. Probably at this age starts to display first symptoms of being a fangirl by kissing boys in the kindergarten.
5 – 7: fangirl nature develops more. Kissing a boy in the kindergarten marks her territory. It is visible movement to show other girls that this prey belongs to her and her only. If this poor boy says a word to other girl, little fangirl can shove a handful of sand into his or her face. First psychotic inclinations are being visible.
8 – 10: fangirl starts to extend her vision. She sees not only those who are close, but also those who are two years older or in second grade, class G. First fangirl circles are being created. Scientists have a lot of problems with this age. It shows that fangirls are clearly heading towards groups, and not individuals. But the reason for this particular, yet socially brilliant, behavior is unknown. Moreover, fangirl starts to use her limited imagination, and has problems with distinguishing the reality from delusions dreams. The phase of lies and distorting the facts begins.
11 – 13: proto-fangirl is created. It is virtually identical with full grown fangirl, but not as vocal. The basic vocabulary is in use and at this age, fangirls show remarkable tendency to distort the existent words, and not to learn new expressions. Linguistics specialists also are puzzled by the innovative force inside fangirl’ mind, prompting her to create such expressions like: “the most good”, “I sooo >3 U!” “you don’t now nothin’”, “cuz U no f33L iT”, etc[2]. Linguists are not sure whether this kind of behavior signifies the state of an imbecile or maybe return to the nature, with flexion accorded to natural level of language development[3]. Psychologists, on the other hand, point out that this is the last phase in which fangirl can be stopped and turned again into normal, sentient being. By the time they turn 14, new factors come to play. One of them is “sense of Absolute”. It is displayed in two ways. First, fangirl is sure NO ONE but her loves her OoA the way SHE does, and even if some others claim they do, she can take it with a mocking smile (leniency) or with furious retort (violence). Second, fangirl became a fangirl of her OoA even before he became anyone’s OoA. It is very common to hear the word-war among fangirls on who loves whom the longest. Some even claim they had the prophetic dream, and they started to be fangirls of OoA who would come years later. It is important in fangirl’s credo to be a fangirl from the OoA first day.
14 – 16: In addition to “huge” vocabulary and hormonal changes in full swing, a new element is easy to be perceived in the nature of a fangirl. Violence. The violence is expressed both verbally: “Shut the f*ck off, you cunt!” or physically – bullying in school, elbowing on concerts etc. Around this time, fangirl is – in her own opinion – perfectly developed and grown up lady with knowledge of thousands Einsteins and Merlins combined poured with sauce made from wikipedia. Fangirl creates her own vision of the world and all elements that this world consists of – school, friends, and internet. The rest is simply non-existent or haughtily overlooked by overheated mind. Fangirl knows no real value of money until she starts to earn it by herself. She can spend any sum on gadgets seen around the “Object of Affection”, and she sees nothing wrong in buying the whole set of African wooden sculpture that is bigger than her own room, just because it was seen for 0.03 sec. in one scene with her OoA (Object of Affection).
17 – 19: the characteristic trait of possessiveness starts earlier and develops throughout few years. Fangirl is sure that her OoA belongs to her and her only. She would be also a very hard case for Mulder and Scully, because of her firm belief in supernatural powers. It is perfectly natural for a fangirl to believe that her OoA hears her, waits for her, sings solely for her, sees her etc. She believes she can send her thoughts to OoA and he will hear it and respond. She KNOWS they will be together one day. She KNOWS they are soulmates, and they were meant to be ever since the first eon began, right after gods created water and sky. Every rational reasoning is futile, because the reason/mind is “the most evil Evil made up by Mason Order and haters!!1!!!1”
If her OoA is found to embrace 85-yo woman (by sheer chance his own Grandma), fangirl writes the letter with her own blood demanding 50 thousands words of apology. And with other hurt and bleeding fangirls, they prepare the payback. If her OoA embraces 20-yo woman, it is easily to identify the victim by dental record.
20 – 23: Fangirl is Alpha and Omega. Any attempt of resistance is useless. One either joins the Dark Side of The Farce Force or dies, hated and condemned for eternity. Fangirl is out of the horror called high school, so either works or studies (preferably cosmetics and manicure) and has a lot of free time.
24 – 27: beginning of a fangirl decline. Younger praying mantises fangirls call her “grandma” and refuse to acknowledge as a fangirl. In the same time this is a highly risky period, as more and more fangirls enter the mature world and start to see that usual guys do have facial, armpit and legs hair, do not wear peacock make-up while haíking or kiss something more than a forehead. This brutal shock leads many fangirls to transformation into emo or other suicidal group with “really f*cked up” perfectly normal life that listen to My Chemical Romance or Half A Minute To Mars. Those who cannot make the smooth transition into period of darkness called “adulthood” stay in a fairy world, and their delusional obsessions grow, while reason shrinks. The first center for broken-hearted fangirls was proposed to be built somewhere in Asia when the tragedy worse than Valentino’s death prompted thousands of fangirls to swallow anti-depression pills. Bad, Shining one, bad.
27 – 30: last moment of glory. Some try to fit the society and learn few more words and form the usual sentences without numbers, emoticons, capital letters and exclamation points inside of them.
31- up: either die-hard fangirls or old maids, Christmas cakes, perfectly normal woman who tend to display such behavior. In contrary to teenage fangirls who are hopeless and weak as a kangaroo newborn when left alone, those dinosaurs are ferocious and fearsome. They do not need group to feel secure and safe. T-800 was also a better model than T-1000, so they say.
            To sum up, fangirl is far more dangerous than a cobra in India, but her strength comes from two things – group and being vocal. If she feels she is being ignored or threatened, she pulls out the fire with gasoline in any fight. In the same time, it is impossible to overlook their positive impact on society, especially on its variety. Fangirls love to be visible, they would do anything for love to just be seen. They add the color and spice to the lives of normal people on fora, they involuntary help increase the sales of sedatives that normal people have to take after the encounter. Plus, they stimulate the talents in making photoshops and captions to some scenes from movies/dramas etc. In overall – they are like flies, annoying and everywhere, but probably useful to the ecosystem.

Fangirls in literature:
- Eowyn, Princess of Rohan, Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien,
- Kathy Earnshaw[4], Wuthering Heights, E. Brontë,
- Maria Magdalena[5], Bible, various artists,
- Lady Rokujō, Genji monogatari, Murasaki Shikibu,
- Scarlett O’Hara, Gone With The Wind, M. Mitchell,
- Gustav von Aschenbach, Death in Venice (fanboy), T. Mann,

Fangirls in popculture:
- Half of soompi and lj communities serving Kpop news,
- kimigasukinanda, from D-Addicts Sunao ni Narenakute thread
- Tsukino Usagi, Sailor Moon,
- Jack/Jackie, Pitch Black,
- Harley Queen, Batman comics
- shark from Jaws
- Alex, Fatal Attraction,
- John Ryder, The Hitcher
- Adrian, The Crush (1993),
- Renge Houshakuji, Ouran High School Host Club,
- Hedre Carlos, Single White Female,
- birds in Birds,
- T-800, Terminator, (fanboy ultimate)
- Norman Bates, Psycho (peculiar fanboy)
- Jeffries, Rear Window, fanboy (close to being a Peeping Tom)
- It is rumored that famous SPARTAAA-kick by King Leonidas in the movie 300 was actually based on a real life event as seen by screenwriter. Originally, one girl kicked another, screaming: “KYAAAA”,

Few famous quotes on fangirlism since Antiquity:
There is a hidden fangirl in any of us.
To be or not to be a fangirl.
(lost manuscript of Hamlet by Shakespeare)
Where have all the fangirls gone? Long time passing…
(Marlene Dietrich, beginning of the song)
Three things a man should avoid in his life – wounded tiger, spring river and quiet fangirl.
Of course, we can choose the road we’re travelling, but not the fangirls we meet.
(Arthur Schnitzler)
Some fangirls were nimbly running in and out of the clefts in an old tree. They understood each other very well, for they all spoke fangirl language.
(H. Ch. Andersen, The Elf-Hill)

[1] Chemical element, symbol: Hg. Don’t drag any Queen members into this, although the writer was Queen fangirl. She was. Maybe she still is. Don’t say any bad words or she will wake up like Ejflafqyudwjdjhakul and there will be blood.
[2] There is one interesting hypothesis presented by Prof. Idon Care few years back. According to him, the fangirls’ trademark exclamation (“kyaaa”) is not from Japanese, as it is widely thought, but from a circle of fangirls back in the Bronze Age of pop (circa 1991), namely when the culture of New Kids On The Block ceramics. It was when fangirls, loving pure and innocent image of those boys, had to read Decameron and they called it with contempt Dekyaaameron denoting the horror of sleazy stories. From those times, “kyaaa” depicts the excitement, and even sexual arousal. Prof. Idon Care left his research unfinished though.
[3] More on this highly interesting yet poorly explored topic in Prof. Raep Me Ther’s latest work The Most Perfect Times (Unisex Press, 2011). He explains that although on the level of logic and linguistic rules the  forms: “the most + adjective absolute” are pure nonsense and are against even normal, usual way of thinking, in the fangirlese (maybe new language soon?) it shows that a fangirl is in fact “the child of the wild nature, untamed, unrestricted, uneducated. She defies the rules of society by returning to the wilderness and this is visible in the language.” (Raep Me Ther, 2011, p. 123).
[4] This is a fine example of a perfect fangirl as developed after death. She peeked through windows, she haunted Heathcliff, and she howled his name.
[5] She represents the type scientists call “fangirl mystique”, her hope of meeting the OoA was poured into the next, eternal life.