Friday, December 16, 2016

Watched in 2016 - Z-Class Movies


Friday evening, a relaxing bath, a gallon glass of wine - all this sets up a perfect mood for watching a movie. And what is more relaxing than watching sharks eating people? Or tremors swallowing up the Eiffel Tower? You are absolutely right - not much.
My affinity for Z-class movies stems from the deep need of human psyche - to see bad guys get what they deserve and to experience a total havoc wrecked upon the face of the Earth... I mean the... ugh, anthropological value, yeah.
The post everyone has been waiting for!
Probably not.


Here is the list in a completely random order. It actually honors the way the narrative is constructed in some of these movies.
It might be incomplete as I started to list movies only around May. Because I'm dumb, that's why.

Cold Fusion (2011)

This movie has nothing in common with the documentary or book (Cold Fusion). Or the actual Physics. It has also nothing in common with any sense. It has, however, a lot in common with a meth induced vision of a lesbian porn.
Recommend: NO.

Planet of the Sharks (2016)
Asylum production. Do I have to add more? The Sea World meets one species to rule them all. Bonus: a war dance of some weird hunters.
Recommend: yes if you like jumping sharks.

Captain America: Civil War (2016)

I'm sorry, I didn't get the memo it was a Hollywood blockbuster and not a Z-class movie. But it was. Only not as entertaining as, let's say, Sharknado. I am a fan of superheroes, but this one was just tiring.
Recommend: if you have insomnia.

Ice Sharks (2016)
Those are just tough sharks. Siblings of sand sharks, only these thrive in ice. And they obviously can jump and tear apart a chopper.
Recommend: yes.

Love Bite (2016)
Keep away from this one.
Recommend: hell no.

Legend of Hell (2012)
I still have no idea what this movie was about. Some curse, I think. We had tomatoes in every European tavern in 15th century, a belly dance around 900 BC and more things I dare not list here.
Recommend: if you support High School Medieval Weaponry Enthusiasts Club productions.

Age of Ice (2014)
Global warming is a sham. It's global freezing we should be afraid of. Especially when the temperature drops 10 degrees per minute. In Egypt.
Recommend: yes.

Princess of Mars (2009)
There is a life on Mars. Highly doubtful it's an intelligent life, though.
Not sure if this was what Frank Frazetta imagined.
Recommend: well, we do have some shirtless scenes, so yeah. And scantily clad Princess, so also yeah.

Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (2016)
Like it or not, you have to watch it. For the Hoff... the man, the legend, the national treasure!
Recommend: yes, if you think sharks are no match for crotch of steel.

Warbirds (2008)
Movie is also known under another title: How Pterosaurs Started WWII. 
Recommend: yes.

Heatstroke (2008)
A bad alien versus a good alien. There are some shreds of humans in between (literally). A psychological battle between good and evil. Global warming is caused by aliens.
Recommend: for Al Gore's fans.

Cemetery Gates (2006)
An engaging mixture of ecological and intellectual problems embodied in the shape of a uhmm... rather a shapeless beast - known as the Tasmanian devil.
Recommend: if you have a tub of alcohol, why not?

Solar Flare (2008)
There was no real, destructive and fierce solar flare in this movie. Only talk about it. I iz disappoint.
Recommend: no.

Camel Spiders (2011)
Well, there are real camel spiders as species, but I doubt they are this size. And as murderous as these. If so, I gotta buy some.
Recommend: if you're not arachnophobic.

Spiders (2000)
This is a politically engaged movie against trafficking and military experiments.
Recommend: if you like hairy monstrosities hatching from people bodies.

Dead 7 (2016)
Zombies, Backstreet Boys and N'Sync. In western settings. Do I need to add more?
Recommend: Quit Playing Games With My Heart and watch it, or else Baby Bye Bye Bye!


The Huntsman: Winter's War (2016)
Gotta tell you - the CGI are getting better and better in these productions, because Ravenna's gold is just stunning here... Oh wait, was it another Hollywood masterpiece? Damn, maybe I shouldn't watch movies then, since I cannot differentiate...
Recommend: for people who like pretty CGI. And Thooooor. Also pretty.

Sand Serpents (2009)
Group of soldiers fights a horde of snake-worms. Highly entertaining. A metaphoric tale about the futile war with terrorists. One of the most enjoyable movies I watched this year.
Recommend: Highly yes.

Legion of Fire: Killer Ants! (1998)
We all fear insects. Especially very very voracious ones. And once ants taste a human flesh, they abandon all leaves, nectar, and larvaes.
Recommend: for any homegrown entomologist.

Shark Week (2012)
It's like The Saw but without the saw. Only with sharks.
Recommend: not sure.

Zombie Strippers! (2008)
Well, shooting billiard bills out of your vagina seems like a handy way of killing zombies. Yes.
Recommend: probably not.

Asteroid vs. Earth (2014)
A movie teaches you that yes, you CAN build a nuclear plant in your garage and yes, you CAN kick the Earth out of its orbit to avoid the asteroid. We don't even need Bruce Willis.
Recommend: if you're drunk enough.

Arctic Blast (2010)
Another masterpiece about climate change, and freezing is just a perfect way for the world to go into an eternal slumber. A metaphor for the modern society growing cold and distant in interpersonal relationships.
Recommend: *in frigid voice* yes.


500 MPH Storm (2013)
Thank you, Asylum, for yet another entertaining piece of a climatic havoc. It's a good thing we have nuclear weapons.
Recommend: you'll be swept off your feet.

Dragon Wasps (2012)
Imagine wasps that have no problems with lifting humans and carrying them as yummy protein shakes to their nest. If you just shrug - this is a movie for you.
Recommend: for those who like fire breathing wasps.

The 5th Wave (2016)
Bashing this is as easy as grabbing a lollipop from a 5 yo. Unless the kid's Damien. Then abort the mission. But I digress... This movie does what the book couldn't - saves your head from exploding from all the bad writing. Unknown enemy attacks. The fate of the planet rests in hands (and guns) of the angry teen spirit (that smells probably like a sewer). I am waiting for the rest of the trilogy. Because nothing can be this bad.
Recommend: if you like Crapergent series, this is for you.

American Warships (2012)
What can be better than huge battleship? An alien battleship, yes, you guessed right. And aliens. And lots of guns, uniforms and explosions. Perfect.
Recommend: highly yes.

Snakes on a Train (2006)
Some Mayan curse, a train taken from the junkyard in Somalia, and final scene portrayed on the poster above. You CAN'T miss this! And snakes that really want to know you. Inside and out...
Recommend: not if you don't like cuddly serpents.

The Vulture's Eye (2004)
I can't recollect the moment I started to play this. It must have been a hypnosis. A new take on Dracula and serpent from Eden. Or maybe the main guy was their offspring. The mystery deepens.
Recommend: hell (sic!) no!

Tyrannosaurus Azteca (2007)
Cort├ęs with his group of merry conquistadors (I think 6 of them), debarks on the new world shore and proceeds to wipe out entire village (5 people). Little did he know they would be attacked by a dino. It's a multicultural love story, really. And I loved it until the last credits!
Recommend: HELL YES!

Jabberwock (2011)
Medieval village, a monster, a brave blacksmith. The tension slightly surpassed that of a scarf-knitting.
Recommend: no.

Hellhounds (2009)
The doggies were not evil, only badly CGI-ed. That's why they went mad.
Recommend: not if you're Dean Winchester.

Earthfall (2015)
Such a great premise of a meteor shower (sans F4, sadly) and such a boring execution. The meteors should be the main focus, we should see them crushing buildings and stuff and we got some family trying to survive and love. Blech.
Recommend: no.

Arctic Predator (2010)
Not even Antarctic is safe. Especially when explorers dig up a species of a creature made of ice that goes on a killing spree. Well, if you'd be buried in damn Antarctic ice for 200 years, you'd be pissed too.
Recommend: yes.

Basilisk: The Serpent King (2006)
What can be more cool than a lizard that turns everything into stone with its gaze? Well, actually lot of things, but factor the origins of such lizard - hatched from an egg laid by a cock! How about now? Not many things now, right? You better check your cellars now...
Recommend: yes if you don't like museum buildings.

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
When the Arkansas jail looks like a shack, no wonder it's no place for Size D inmates whose only crime is being sexy. It's a metaphoric story about the inability to run away from your past, problems and the inherently personal components of one's psyche.
Recommend: yes if you think that would be a great form of punishment instead of jail.

Sssssss (1973)
Movie tells us the tragic story of how dangerous a student's life can be. Never, ever volunteer to do something for your Professor, especially when they specialize in genetic modification and snakes.
Recommend: for those who still wonder whether they should do a PhD.

Little Dead Rotting Hood (2016)
Actually funny and yet subversively disturbing story of a homicidal family members. This proves the theory that the best way to get the fruits of your labor ripe - is to bury them.
Recommend: yes.

Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy (2005)
If you ever wondered how the hybrid of a human and a shark would look like, wonder no more. It looks disgusting. And yes, those teeth make him look fat.
Recommend: for anyone who's against experiments on inter-species hybrids.

Titanic II (2010)
The iceberg is back. Bigger, meaner and well... ice-ier. Add tsunami to this and we'll get a nice soup.
Recommend: only if you don't have tickets for any liner...


I hope 2017 will be an equally abundant year. Here's the snippet of things to come:



All posters come from: filmweb.pl